The Art of Healing Your Marriage and Relationships
Read this: Before you give up on your marriage or relationship
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Words: 1380 | Normal Reading: 7 minutes | Slow Reading: 14 minutes
What if your relationship is not here to make you happy but to make you aware?
Relationships do not cause suffering; they reveal the suffering already present within us. What hurts is not the other person, but the echo of unhealed pain longing to be acknowledged with awareness.
Beyond the Trap and Illusion of Relationship
As long as we hold the idea, “I am in a relationship,” suffering is inevitable. Not because there is something wrong with love, but because the way we define and perceive this idea of “relationship” is very limiting.
Once we attach ourselves to this word, we carry a mental image of our partner and baggage of memories, expectations, and ideas borrowed from the past, culture, and media. It is no longer about the human being before us but about our unconscious projection.
Then, we would attempt to make reality conform to this projection. However, reality is not an actor in our personal movie. It won't adhere to our mind’s script, and we experience suffering because it doesn’t.
The truth is simple: there are no fixed “relationships.” There is only relating in the present moment. How deeply you connect with your partner depends entirely on how empty you are of personal ideas, labels, and emotional expectations.
Love or Wanting?
What people often refer to as love is not love at all. It is craving, it is longing, and it is an attempt to use another person to complete and fulfill yourself.
What is conventionally called “love” is an ego strategy to avoid surrender. You seek someone to provide the eternal fulfillment that can only arise from you through inner surrender, and the ego uses that individual as a substitute to prevent having to surrender.
So you say, “I love you,” but if you examine it closely, you’ll see it often means, “I want you,” or “I need you to complete me.”
But true love does not want; it does not cling, nor does it ask the other to become something. It simply is.
Why Love Turns to Hate
The ego finds someone and makes them special. At that moment, the egoic noise quiets. For a while, it feels like you’ve found “the one.” But it’s not the person that silences the suffering. It is the brief absence of egoic wanting.
When the person you singled out or made special in your eyes fails to relieve your pain, hate, discontent, or unhappiness through their actions—all of which stem from an egoic sense of insufficiency—the hidden irritation emerges and gets projected onto the person, whom you believed would ultimately “save you.” Suddenly, love turns to hate.
The same person who brought you joy now brings you pain. You say, “You’ve changed.” But in truth, they haven’t. Your projection has collapsed.
You never truly loved them—you used them as a patch to cover up the egoic dissatisfaction that lives within you. And when that patch stops working, the blame begins. Love turns to bitterness. The person becomes an enemy. But all that happened was the ego was disappointed.
What You’re Truly Seeking Your Whole Life
What you call love is often just a pleasant mix of emotions and hormones. Today it's one person, but tomorrow it could be someone else, because it’s not about them; it’s about your needs. Many people keep falling in and out of love, believing that each time is “the one.” But when inner disturbances arise, no partner can mask it for long. The pain isn't out there; it’s within you. And it will find a way to reveal itself.
You think you’re searching for the perfect person. But you’re really seeking a deeper dimension of yourself—a stillness, a wholeness, your inner Being. It doesn’t come and go with the moods of your partner.
This comes only through surrender—not to the other person, but to life within. To what is. Surrender your mind inward to the inner Being.
Surrender is not a weakness. It is strength. It means you are no longer at war with reality. When you surrender, something divine within you shines forth. You experience a presence that was hidden beneath all your wanting. And then, quite unexpectedly, the love you tried to demand from others begins to rise from within you.
You do not fall in love. You become love. You are love.
The Dissolution of the Ego
In moments of surrender, the ego loses its grip. You no longer need to defend your image or possess another. You stop playing roles.
And then, a different kind of love becomes possible—not the kind that flickers between “I want you” and “I hate you,” but the kind that doesn’t depend on form. A love that is not personal. It includes the other, but it is not limited by them.
Even in relationships where conflict exists, there are glimpses of true love: a shared silence, a feeling of total understanding, a moment without thoughts. These moments are not accidents. They are invitations. But unless surrender deepens, the ego returns. And the moment is lost.
Whenever you accept what is, something deeper emerges from the current situation. You may find yourself caught in the most painful dilemma, whether external or internal, experiencing the most intense emotions or circumstances. However, the moment you accept what is, you go beyond it and transcend it. Even if you feel hatred, the moment you acknowledge that this is how you feel, you rise above it. It may still be present, but suddenly you are in a deeper place where it doesn’t matter as much anymore.
End of Enemy-Making. Transcend the Dance of Opposites
Duality will persist in this world. Good and bad, pleasure and pain, success and failure are not problems; they are part of the design. The real question is not, “Can I avoid duality?”
The real question is, “Can I remain untouched by it?”
When you live in surrender, your experience of opposites becomes more gentle. Conflict still arises, but it no longer stabs. Emotion still comes, but it doesn’t drown you. Even suffering becomes a doorway to something deeper.
You start to live like a lotus—rooted in the mud, untouched by it.
When you no longer react from ego, you no longer see others as threats. Even those who trigger you are not enemies—they are teachers.
You don’t suppress your anger. You explain your anger instead of violently expressing it. You don’t deny your sorrow. You accept it. And suffering transforms into awakening.
The world does not become perfect. But it becomes peaceful. Because you have stopped feeding the fire with your reactions.
Internal and external are ultimately one
When you live from the inner Being, always resting in Being, something timeless begins to shine through you. It changes the world—not in dramatic ways, but in the only way that truly matters. That which is beyond form shines through the form; the eternal shines through the form into this world of form.
You become a space where others can rest. A quiet place in the middle of the storm. And slowly, through you, the opposites and dualities lose their grip. The noise softens. And love—real, unshakable love—takes root.
This is not the love of fairy tales. This is the love that asks for nothing. That clings to nothing. That simply is.
The Spiritual Secret of Relationship
On a physical level, you are not complete or whole, nor will you ever achieve this state: you are either a man or a woman, each representing one-half of the whole. In this context, the yearning for wholeness — arises as an attraction between males and females, with men seeking women and women seeking men. This creates an almost overwhelming urge to unite with the opposite energy.
The root of this physical urge is spiritual: the desire to end duality and return to wholeness. You can only end duality and realize wholeness by surrendering your mind inward to Being.
So, if you ask, how should I connect with my spouse or partner after awakening?
Don’t start by trying to fix the relationship by blaming your spouse. Surrender inward and become whole. Now, relate with your spouse from that inner abundance that is already one with the whole universe.
Only when you let go of the illusion of “being in a relationship” that is influenced by past conditioning and concepts can the sacred act of relating in the present moment truly begin.
The Last Meditation: Awaken to God
When you surrender your mind inward in Inner Being, the divine power takes charge of your life, and you discover that the mind and thoughts are not necessary for functioning in the world. Real meditation is to become No-Thing and No-Body. Real meditation is to become still and transcend the mind and body.
Love and sex are two different things.
We should not equate with each other.
Love Is beyond comprehension. .sex is only a momentary thing.
PN